Photo of a stairway
Reflection on Spiritual Direction Formation Program – 2008 (written for submission to the preceptors of the program)
Background
To say that 2008 was a challenging year for me would, in some ways, be an understatement.
At the end of 2007 I was unemployed, recovering from chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant, and living in Rye. At the end of 2008 I find myself over-employed, still living with the ongoing effects of chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant, and living in Korumburra. Peter and I have made a new home in Korumburra, and established ourselves in the community in a much more meaningful way – this has been a great support. I live in Korumburra, work in Prahran, and travel for around 4 hours each day. My work is challenging, particularly in the discipline it requires to maintain charity, clarity, and a sense of perspective. I have moved from being in a church community in which I felt accepted and protected, to one where I feel out-of-place and dry. Mixed in with all of this has been the beginning of the spiritual direction formation journey, which has brought its own significant challenges and rewards.
The larger movements in my life in some way parallel the movements in my spirit over the year. While the move from Rye was a wrench, it has allowed me to move from a place of comfort in which I now see that I was content to rest without growth, to a place of discovery where I am obliged to reflect, grow, mature and change. At the end of my year with cancer I felt entitled to a rest, but I was unaware of how enmeshed I had become in the process of being sick, and how jaded I had become with my life and with the world in general. A sense of weariness had settled upon me, and a certain sense of distance from what was going on around me. Had I stayed in Rye I believe these things would have persisted, and the journey I had been on would have been much more difficult.
My journey with the church in 2007 has been one of tension. Three interlinked issues or situations have meant that I have felt uneasy with the institutional church, and this has led to some discomfort and difficulty negotiating my place in the life of the church community in which I find myself, and in which I feel convinced God intends me to be. The first issue is the Anglican Communion’s wrestling with the place of homosexual people in the life of the church, about which ample has been written, including by me (my blog includes a fair amount of comment and reflection on this). One question for me, however, is the extent to which I can be an acceptable director in the eyes of the church, given the official rejection of gay people in ministry. The second issue, linked to that, is my sense of call to the ordained ministry, which cannot be honoured in this present context. The third is a situation rather than an issue – moving to a new church community, which is in some ways demoralised and hurt by its last two experiences of priestly ministry, but which is also thirsting for growth and Christ’s living water. A new priest has been appointed and her ministry will be instituted in February, but the people are needy and requiring comfort. My ‘appearance’ in the parish led to some veiled (and not-so veiled) demands that I be a source of ministry in this vacuum. I’ve been happy to do some of this, but I’ve been acutely aware that this is in real tension with the issues being debated around the place of gay people in the church. For me this is not merely political, but is a matter of ontology. I’ve not been able to reconcile these things to date, but am working with my director on all of these tensions and fracture lines.
Significant points of learning and their integration
One significant point of learning, at the outset, has been trust. I entered the program tired and shy, and for the first two pairs of days felt like an outsider who was entering into a different world, somewhat as an imposter. I did not feel equal to the task of joining this existing community with the evident connections between people and the established and somewhat oblique ways of ‘being’ and ‘doing’. I did not feel equal to the intellectual work, and freely admit to being horrified and overwhelmed by the process of listening to talks, reading and reflecting. Particularly, I did not feel up to the ideal of ‘director’ presented (director as icon, as starets) – I felt (and feel!) immature, unwise and unworthy. However, as I did the work, and accepted that here was where I was meant to be, a sense of trust grew. This trust has allowed me to be more open, to participate more in the community, and to contribute more (if I am meant to be here, my contribution is important). One important part of the growing sense of trust was meeting with Ross between the sessions – his wise words and calming presence were very important and affirming.
The program’s focus on the questions ‘whose am I?’, ‘who am I?’, ‘whom am I becoming?’ and ‘where am I going?’ have been key questions for me this year, and have brought to the foreground many things which needed thought, reflection and discernment. Walking in the program’s journey has led to a deepening and quietening of my faith – at the end of 2007 I was really a bundle of poorly integrated jangling impulses tendencies and thoughts. The discipline of reflection and work (both in the program, in my ministry as a director, in my ministry in my parish, and in my secular work) has been important in smoothing the tangled threads and providing some light on the path as I walked out of the darkness of the previous years.
My reflections revolved around my identity as a man (though this did not come out in my reflection pieces), a gay man (this did come out strongly in the reflection pieces), a person called to the monastic life in the world, and how these ‘mesh’ with my awareness of a call to ministry as a spiritual director. I noted that there is, for me, a sense of dissonance between my understanding of myself (which I think is reasonably accurate) and the presented idea of who and what the director is. Where I frequently get lost is that I often seek to ‘be’ out of my own efforts and capacities, rather than depending on God and on God’s grace. Learning about and reflecting on whose am I – God’s and because of that my neighbour’s – has helped me to hesitatingly and haltingly work on ‘who am I’ and see how that might inform my ministry as a spiritual director. I’ve committed to exploring more deeply how my experience as a gay man brings something distinctive and important to who Colin is, and how Colin ministers to others as a director (and in other ways). In my experience this year, this has brought a dimension of tenderness to my ministry to those who feel excluded or outside society or the church.
The themes of transfiguration – seeing Jesus as he actually is, through God’s work of removing the barriers from my eyes and soul, deification – the journey to becoming who God wants me to be, and director as midwife have been very important to me. The last, director as midwife, has had a profound effect on how I sit with others and direct (and, I hope, in my daily life and work). As I have become more comfortable in that role, I have felt more able to consider the implications of director as icon, and this became especially prominent in the experience of directing at the final session for the year.
Tied in with all of this has been a deepening of my walk on the Benedictine way, and especially the riches I’ve gained from reading the Rule and seeking insights into the ministry of the director. Benedict’s words about the ministry of the abbot ring true here, and have much to offer me, I believe. In a way, I found they provide a bridge for me to approach some of the words written about the ministry of the starets. The monastic disciplines of prayer, work, reflection, worship and rest (and for me, meditation), has been important in providing balance and routine.
Goals for the future
My first goal is to try to integrate all of this into my life more effectively. I have taken steps to re-order my priorities for 2009, and the program and my growing ministry as a director will be higher priorities. That being said, I still need to work, and see work and my home life as vital parts of learning, growing and maturing.
Another goal is to come to grips more effectively with the tradition. I realise that, other than necessary reading for my studies in church history and theology, I have neglected study of the ancient texts. I look forward to reading more deeply and widely.
I would like to continue the ministry in spiritual direction and friendship that has developed in my parish church. I’m unsure how this will proceed in the context of a new incumbent, who might be expected to be the ‘natural’ person to accept this ministry. Tied to this is discerning my ministry in my home diocese. For better or worse (better I think), I have been quite open with my parish community and with the bishop. This places limitations on what sorts of ministry are available to me (licensed ministry, chiefly). I’m discerning involvement in the Anam Cara Community in Gippsland.
I have felt led to investigating ministry to gay people, and am discerning where, how and what this might mean. I’m aware that this means that there are some issues around my own self, my sexuality and my body that need to be worked through. I also have felt the need to become more connected to other gay men pursuing a similar path, and to grow in my awareness of the spiritual path of gay people.
My reading has included a large selection of texts on the spirituality of men, and this is an area I’d like to reflect on further.
I know that I need to further reflect on healing my discomfort about the idea of director as icon / director as starets. I know that some of this comes from a very negative and abusive direction relationship, where the director transgressed many boundaries and was spiritually, emotionally and sexually manipulative. This has also led to a sort of distrust of openness. The flip-side of this experience, which has taken a long time to recover from, is that I have an acute awareness of the techniques of manipulation, and a keen desire to avoid them.
I’m very grateful to God for the year past. While, at times, it seemed quite impossible, I now understand it to have had significant graces. As I re-learn what it means to be alive, and look to the future, I seek to walk more closely with God, to respond to God’s call to be formed and reformed into who God wishes me to be, and to serve my neighbour more fully.
